100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - sample reading

#8 AVOID FARTING IN PUBLIC

And speaking of old farts, what about those old guys that cut the cheese in public and then look up at the ceiling like innocent children who lie? I remember when I was a kid and my grandpa blew one that sounded like a tuba honk. I was stunned, and took a couple of steps backward. How could my nice old grandpa do such a disgusting thing while I was around? Then he gave me a wink and went on fixing the lawn mower. No pun intended, but I was blown away. I mean, there's just a couple of things grownup people don't do in public and that's one of them.

I can't remember ever being taught about this behavioral restriction but as a kid, I and my pals only let one fly when we were with the guys on a fishing trip or maybe biking around the neighborhood. That wasn't exactly in public. When I got to college and joined a fraternity (back when it was cool to belong to a frat) this changed a little. Drinking beer and farting sort of went hand in hand (so to speak) but you had to be pretty loaded to do it when there were girls around. Nowadays, anything is possible.

Things changed back to a more restrictive nature when adulthood came along and we all got jobs. You can't cut the cheese at a business meeting. It just isn't done and if you do it in an office setting you could get charged with sexual harassment, so you spend a lot of time sneaking out the gas and praying it doesn't melt the wall paper.

Now here comes retirement and along with your first social security check, an invisible declaration of freedom to pass wind any time any where, shows up. Or something like that, because when you go down to the bank to deposit that first check and you are standing in line with several other obviously retired guys, the air is blue and muffled trumpet notes abound. All the guys are looking at the ceiling like nothing's going on and you spot a can of air freshener behind the teller's window.

This is the part where you start thinking automatic deposit might be the way to go here.

The truth is, as you age, the plumbing gets looser as does your self-consciousness level. It's just the start of a dismal future, but why hurry up the process? The time will come soon enough - if you live long enough, that this sort of light wind will be a pleasant memory in terms of what will then be the case. But let's not go there now. Suffice to say, in our determination to have a late life of dignity and a positive self image, blowing farts in public is frowned on.

Besides, it wipes out any believability we might have when it comes to being taken seriously about anything. Imagine this. You're sitting in your car trying to convince the traffic cop that a bee flew in the window and caused you to involuntarily accelerate, thereby breaking the speed limit while you attempted to rid the vehicle of the nasty bug and avert a possible sting - to which you are allergic. Then, as the cop hesitates and surveys the interior of your car with his skeptical glance, you blow a thunderbolt and a smell like the dismal swamp slowly rises around you. Get the picture?

This is the third posting of sample reading taken from my new book entitled "100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - A Men's Guide To Surviving Life After Work." As always, I look forward to comments, suggestions and chat.