100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - sample reading

#40 CONTINUE TO AVOID ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS

Just because you're sixty five years old and retired doesn't mean for a minute that you should turn in your keys to the butt head department. I mean, really. What would people think? Asking for directions, reading directions - even sometimes following directions has always been against the rules of adult male behavior, so don't start changing the rules now.

Historically speaking, there are many examples of men's need for directional freedom. Here's one; Why do you think Genghis Kahn was such a mean little shit? Simple. He was perpetually lost as he wandered across Asia looking for something he would only recognize when he saw it. Instead of welcoming him as an intrepid explorer however, people didn't like his looks so they told him he must be lost and he should go further north further east, or south - or back where he came from. Well, what's a guy to do? You have to lop some heads, of course. Genghis was a little heavy handed in that way, but the point is, asking for directions is simply against the male code of behavior.

Do you think Columbus asked for directions? Heck no. Captain Chris just sat there on the poop deck keeping his eye on the horizon. He figured that if he was lucky he'd bump into India and load up on spices. If not, well - the rest is history and doesn't really matter. The point is, now that you're elderly, asking for directions - and God forbid, actually following them is a fast track to the senior citizen's nursing home and you're not ready for that yet.

Getting retired and elderly doesn't mean that you automatically get soft in the head - no matter what your kids say. This is one of those places where you have to draw the line - if not for yourself, then at least think about the rest of us.

That's today's bloggy tip for retired guys and senior kings of the road. You can contact me easily by emailing teawater@rocketmail.com or by leaving notes on this blog site. Comments and chat are welcome.

100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - sample reading

#8 AVOID FARTING IN PUBLIC

And speaking of old farts, what about those old guys that cut the cheese in public and then look up at the ceiling like innocent children who lie? I remember when I was a kid and my grandpa blew one that sounded like a tuba honk. I was stunned, and took a couple of steps backward. How could my nice old grandpa do such a disgusting thing while I was around? Then he gave me a wink and went on fixing the lawn mower. No pun intended, but I was blown away. I mean, there's just a couple of things grownup people don't do in public and that's one of them.

I can't remember ever being taught about this behavioral restriction but as a kid, I and my pals only let one fly when we were with the guys on a fishing trip or maybe biking around the neighborhood. That wasn't exactly in public. When I got to college and joined a fraternity (back when it was cool to belong to a frat) this changed a little. Drinking beer and farting sort of went hand in hand (so to speak) but you had to be pretty loaded to do it when there were girls around. Nowadays, anything is possible.

Things changed back to a more restrictive nature when adulthood came along and we all got jobs. You can't cut the cheese at a business meeting. It just isn't done and if you do it in an office setting you could get charged with sexual harassment, so you spend a lot of time sneaking out the gas and praying it doesn't melt the wall paper.

Now here comes retirement and along with your first social security check, an invisible declaration of freedom to pass wind any time any where, shows up. Or something like that, because when you go down to the bank to deposit that first check and you are standing in line with several other obviously retired guys, the air is blue and muffled trumpet notes abound. All the guys are looking at the ceiling like nothing's going on and you spot a can of air freshener behind the teller's window.

This is the part where you start thinking automatic deposit might be the way to go here.

The truth is, as you age, the plumbing gets looser as does your self-consciousness level. It's just the start of a dismal future, but why hurry up the process? The time will come soon enough - if you live long enough, that this sort of light wind will be a pleasant memory in terms of what will then be the case. But let's not go there now. Suffice to say, in our determination to have a late life of dignity and a positive self image, blowing farts in public is frowned on.

Besides, it wipes out any believability we might have when it comes to being taken seriously about anything. Imagine this. You're sitting in your car trying to convince the traffic cop that a bee flew in the window and caused you to involuntarily accelerate, thereby breaking the speed limit while you attempted to rid the vehicle of the nasty bug and avert a possible sting - to which you are allergic. Then, as the cop hesitates and surveys the interior of your car with his skeptical glance, you blow a thunderbolt and a smell like the dismal swamp slowly rises around you. Get the picture?

This is the third posting of sample reading taken from my new book entitled "100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - A Men's Guide To Surviving Life After Work." As always, I look forward to comments, suggestions and chat.

100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - sample reading

#76 AVOID IDLE APPEARANCES

I remember when I was in third grade and my shrewish teacher with the pageboy haircut snuck up from behind, and startled me out of some important daydream by saying in a loud voice, "Ya know, Mr. Becker, idle hands are the devil's workshop."

This was a long time ago, before children were considered people, and lawyers hadn't quite recognized the zillions of dollars to be made by representing kids who had been wronged by adults like my teacher. Nowadays, if a school teacher said that to a kid in public, there'd be a long slim envelope with a law firm's name on it, in the Principal's office by sundown. Be that as it may, the message was - and still is, quite clear. Idling, no matter how old or young you are is considered not only the devil's workshop, but is also seen as counter culture. It's just not tolerated.

The facts are, just like when we are in third grade, as retired guys we have a lot of important daydreaming to do. What most folks don't realize is, daydreaming actually makes quite important and productive contributions to the overall positive well-being of the human race. And this concept isn't confined to third graders and retired guys - although daydreaming at ages between these two groups is usually called "planning."

Now that you are retired and have plenty of free time on your hands, you're going to find that you spend quite a few hours in the daydreaming department. That's okay. Daydreams are good as long as you're not daydreaming about killing your neighbor because he lets his dog bark all the time. That's not a plan. That's a day-nightmare - and of course, fits the bill as the devil's workshop.

Positive daydreaming is a pleasure and also, by-the-way, does include planning - so you should make sure to keep daydreaming on your retired guy "to-do" list. Unfortunately, there's lots of people who don't see it that way. These are folks who look on daydreaming as idling. A waste of good old fashioned productive time. They seem to feel that there's some angelic book keeper up in heaven jotting down everybody's earthly productivity, and daydreaming/idling goes into the negative column. They also seem to feel that daydreamers/idlers are somehow infringing on their self important existence. Like perhaps your idle hours might somehow get transferred to their heavenly account and cause them to have a slightly less than stellar after-life. Hmmm.

To make sure you don't idle their time away, your friends and relatives might begin to cook up dumb busy work projects to fill your idle hours. Watch out for this. They may also play the innuendo game by saying things that are aimed at making you feel guilty. Don't fall for that either.

Here's an idea that might help. Try carrying around a purse. Actually, for guys this is called a "bag." Make sure it's sort of business-like and has lots of little pockets and zippers so it looks official. Add a small notebook or sketch pad and a nice writing pen or drawing pencil. Make sure the pad or notebook has some sketching or writing on it so it looks like you actually use these things for productive planning. Now, whenever you feel the daydreaming mood coming on, simply plop the bag right down next to you, open the pad or notebook, have the pen in plain view and then go ahead and start the daydream or idle hour - as you wish. The illusion of productive planning will work beautifully in throwing the daydream nay-sayers off the trail, and who knows? You might actually make a note or two in the notebook. You might just come up with some new invention and make a million dollars. That would really piss everyone off.

This is the second sample read taken from my new almost finished book entitled "100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - A Men's Guide To Surviving Life After Work" Thanks for reading and as always - suggestions, comments and chat are welcome.

100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - sample reading

#1. AVOID NEGATIVE ANTICIPATION

Remember when you were a kid, how you looked forward to almost everything in a positive way? From the time you woke up in the morning until you went to bed you were looking forward to something, and ninety nine point nine percent of the time what you were looking forward to was either fun to do or good to eat. You spent much of your time anticipating good things coming your way (except of course getting bush whacked on your way to school by that bully, Jimmy Finklestein) and most of the time those good things did come your way. You were experiencing a life of positive anticipation and what's more, you didn't even have to think about positive anticipation to make it happen. It just did. It was a natural part of your life. Wow! How cool was that?

Pretty cool alright, and as you grew older this positive anticipation just naturally followed in your footsteps. You went from kid anticipation for things like playing with your pals, swimming, bike riding, ice cream, root beer floats, fishing, tree house building, camping out, trips to the zoo, corn on the cob, sleep overs (well, I know you still like most of these things, but face it, it's not exactly like when you were a kid) to anticipating big kid stuff like high school and college football games, sock hops, drive-in movies, dating, sex and graduation.

After that you had plenty of positive anticipation about your new jobs, your new car, your wedding, your first child - and your second or third, your rise in the company, trips to the ocean, adult friendships, clubs, your first house. As time went on you had lots of positive anticipation related to becoming a professional in your field, accumulating wealth, making a place in the community, investing, watching your family grow. it was lots of fun.

Then something happened. Right around your fiftieth birthday, negative anticipation started to creep in. One of your good buddies dropped dead from a heart attack. The company got sold and job security became a concern. Who hires a fifty year old? Some investments turned out to be stinkers. That second mortgage wasn't looking like such a good idea after all. Paper work to keep your little empire together started to become a monster. Taxes got spooky. You threw your back out lifting something heavy. You started to gain weight. Your kids got so busy supporting themselves, they hardly had time for a phone call. Some doctor stuck his finger up your ass and found a lump. On and on it goes and life took on a serious note that wasn't part of your positive anticipation program at all.

Now you're sixty five and you try not to get too excited about anything because it's more likely to screw up than it is to succeed. This is negative anticipation. How bad is that? Very.

The deal is, you (and a couple hundred million other retired guys) have fallen for the oldest trick in the cultural book. It's sometimes called the old guy's fear factor. You pass the midway point in your life and you get fearful. So what are you going to do about it? For starters, you can quit watching CNN and eliminate lots of cultural shin-ola that just drags you down. Next, you might familiarize yourself with the whole negative anticipation phenomenon.

What is negative anticipation? It's anything that gets in the way of positive anticipation. Negative anticipation is anything that causes unreal pause, doubt,fear, worry, arguments, depression, loss of sleep, broken promises to yourself, lack of will, lethargy, bad breath and common indignity. It's a retired guy's worst enemy because it ruins your good vibes. Avoid it like the plague.

How does one avoid this evil empire monstrosity? Good question. I recommend focusing on your positive anticipation energy. Some light-weight philosophers in the crowd would call this "thinking positively." Easier said than done. Thinking positively is one thing,but acting positively is another kettle of fish altogether.

Let's try an example. Let's say you have a desire to go to Paris for your seventieth birthday. You've always wanted to visit Paris, but you were always too busy or too broke to make it happen. In all those years you never even got a passport. But now, for some reason, it just seems right that you go to Paris for your seventieth. You've been thinking about this for awhile - even though you haven't told your wife, and you are filled with that old time positive anticipation. It feels great.

But then after a couple of super positive anticipation days, guess what happens. Negative anticipation sneaks in. You start thinking stuff like "Gosh, what if I have a coronary on the airplane? - Or on the streets of Paris? What if my passport application gets hung up somewhere and I have those expensive tickets and hotel reservations in France? What about the garbage bill that comes due while I'm gone? What if I get there and I don't like it? What if my wife hates Paris? What if I get mugged? Maybe I'd better forget the whole trip and mow the grass instead." You know, stuff like that.

I'll bet you never had this kind of negative anticipation when you were thirty five years old. If you'd had the dough in those days, you would have been off like a shot and never given it a second thought.

So how do we combat this situation and go have a nice birthday in Paris? First of all, you have to recognize what's happening and identify negative anticipation for what it is - an evil ruse to get you to drop out of active living. Here's what you do. You fight fire with fire. Be calm and take one step at a time. Don't even open the door to any negative notions - and don't think about consequences. Just think ahead and get that passport before you ever make the first plane ticket inquiry. The passport assignment is the only goal you want to think about right now. Just get the damned passport. think of it as your escape ticket just in case you ever need to dematerialize from Pleasant Avenue South in Wherever, U.S.A. An official U.S. passport will give your positive anticipation department a real shot in the arm.

Step two is to make sure your busy retired guy schedule is actually clear for the trip. I mean, it would be pretty messy if you had a scheduling conflict with your Saturday night Bingo group, ya know? See how dumb this negative anticipation thing can be?

Now you've got your passport and cleared your schedule. Good work. (You might check on your wife's schedule too while you're at it). Next, you book yourself a hotel room in Paris. Not being able to speak French is no problem even though negative anticipation promised it would be. Be sure to get a room in a nice part of town. Finally, you spring the good news on that wife of yours. be prepared for a rush of excitement followed by a rash of negative anticipation. Have nothing to do with the rash. Don't try to solve any problems because you've already solved the big one. That's YOU.

Follow up by heading to your favorite men's store for some decent traveling cloths and then go home and mow the grass. The moral of the story is, if you can approach your daily life in the same manner as you approached going to Paris, you'll be a better retired guy over all. Negative anticipation will never give up trying to blow out your every little endeavor, so you'll have to be on guard all the time. The good news is, however, once you get used to fending off negative anticipation, you'll probably find that you are a much more positive and happy individual.

Thanks for reading. I'll post more of the 100 things retired guys should avoid in the weeks to come. Comments and chat are encouraged.

Book #4 A Men's Guide To Surviving Life After Work.

My 3rd book, "Behind The Sausage Curtain" a novel (as I explained on a prior post) has finally passed the editing road bump and will be back on the market

internationally via Amazon in about a week. What a feeling of relief and accomplishment.

My new book entitled "100 Things Retired Guys Should Avoid - A Men's Guide To Surviving Life After Work" is in its final stages of writing. In fact I'm a few numbers short of one hundred things yet, and am discovering that I've run through maybe all of the obvious stuff, so now progress is slower. I expect the book to be out in the fall (2010) and am excited by the possibilities of good sales because after all, this one is chock full of super funny tid-bits that not only act as survival council for retired guys, but also point out lots of wonderfully typical foibles, tendencies, oddities, pre-conceptions, strengths and weaknesses in the guy population as it crosses the border into both retirement and senior citizenship. My hope is that this book will strike a chord with not only us guys who are turning in our keys to the office, but will also resinate with anyone looking for the perfect gift for the senior fellow in the company who is leaving.

I've directed the text at humorous social commentary and slightly outrageous examples to make these points of the commentary easy to digest. After all, this is supposed to be fun reading - and I think it is.

I've divided the one hundred things retired guys should avoid into two groups. Seventy of these things (the first group) are presented in short essay form, averaging two pages each. A few of these are one-pagers and some are three pages in length. The concept is to create a guide book that can be opened at any page, read briefly (or longer) and then put down to be picked up again later. Of course there's no rule against starting at the beginning and reading it straight through. Whatever. The second group (of which there are thirty items), I've entitled "no brainers". These are simple one liners that may seem rather off-handed, but in fact are actually good hamburger helper for the main text.

Additionally, I've developed an archetypical retired guy character in the form of drawings which appear at the beginning of each of the seventy essays illustrating the subject of the essay. I'm very pleased with this work.

In my next blogs I will preview this book for your enjoyment, laughter, criticism and commentary. I should also mention that suggestions in the way of additional things retired guys should avoid are very welcome. Thanks for reading.